KNOW THYSELF, AFRICAN KINGS ALSO CRY

Is man happy? That is a question we used to explore with young philosophy enthusiasts whenever undesired occurrence befell a rich man. I do not want to be the all knowing god of knowledge,  so it is better to tell anybody intending to read the entire article that Neitch asked the question centuries (nay millennia) after Solon and Croesus had a similar discourse. 

Herodotus narrates that Croesus, a wealthy pious King who imagined himself the happiest man ever, asked Solon, a well travelled Athenian philosopher, if he knew the happiest man. Unfortunately, Solon mentioned a certain Tellus of Athens, a private citizen who lived long and as happy as nature of man allows. He died gloriously in battle. Then Croesus asked who came next in happiness –hoping to be mentioned in second place. However, Solon placed two siblings, Cleobis and Biton of Argos, young men of sufficient wealth who won victories in games, and their death was notable. Herodotus records that their mother had to be driven to the temple of Hera, five miles distance, for a festival. Since the oxen did not come in good time, they drew the cart themselves. At the festival people acclaimed their strength and congratulated their mother. She, in transport of happiness, prayed the goddess (Hera) to grant her sons the greatest blessings that a man can have. After the feast the two brothers fell asleep in the very temple, and never awoke again.

Concerned that Solon considered him less happy than private citizens, Croesus asked, “What about me”. The Athenian philosopher said he would wait until the day Croesus died to determine whether he was happy. Before long King Cyrus captured Croesus in battle and set him on a pyre to be burnt alive upon which Croesus remembers Solons argument and shouted, “Solon! Solon! Solon!”  When Cyrus was told the significance of that lesson; know thyself, which means remember that you are -a man, subject to conditions and limitations of mortality, he ordered that fire be put out.  It was too late. Therefore, Croesus called upon Apollo (god) to save him. Whereupon clouds gathered in the clear sky, a torrent of rain fell, and the fire was put out –much like the biblical account of Shadrack, Meshak and Abednego.I should acknowledge that I am the millionth asker of the question on happiness and lofty stations of life, where kings find themselves.

Am I not the professional question asker who never gets satisfactory answers because of daftness on my part? The three Greeks named above were kings except for the wise solon of Athens; You might even think Solomon was Greek. Are kings not the few creatures of God we think are happy because of immense wealth and power they wield here on Earth? Sometimes Kings conspire with fate to harm or favour subject(s) but they are hardly immortal, not by a long shot.

More often than not, Kings, drunk with power, delude themselves with the ideas of being  demigods or God himself. These are beings that out of error of judgment imagine operating between mortals and immortals until their mortality rate proves otherwise. One Greek fellow called Solon coined a famous philosophical-cum-religious phrase: know thyself, to remind Croesus that no human is immortal. Take for example Assad, (I hope Nato finds him in good time), with one cough, his Alawite cronies perform acts of bloodbath on people referred to as civilians because of their lowly stations in life and daily engagements. Here in my country they are called ordinary wananchi, they class which is famous for tunaomba serikali ( we appeal to the government). 


In the first half of last century, one mortal known to his subjects and citizen of the land where people sing Uber Allez as Fuhrer, gassed so many descendants of Abraham until that unique act of anti-Semitism was registered in the annals of history as holocaust. The Fuhrer had another puppet friend called Benito Mussolini with whom he cherished such acts as genocides and holocausts before his nemesis from Moscow, Yosef Stalin , performed ‘holocaust’ on him. Sometimes death of one Hitler potentially averts three holocausts and twenty genocides. No, he was so obsessed with mass murder that he had to kill his wife, Eva Braun, before dispatching himself to the hereafter and recommending benzene corrosion on his corpse. The fact that he deeply cared for the life of a canine called Blondi still disturbs many. 

Hitler (Fuhrer) in a Nazi salute pose

Before Fuehrer trod on this planet rather eccentrically, there was one ‘emperor of kings’ called Napoleon Bonaparte alias General Petit. Under Gods auspices someone with such an irreligious title could only be exiled to a lonely island like Mbasa on Lake Victoria or St Helena, after all his  conquests and ultimate defeat at Waterloo. He dictated even the Holy See, the pious king (pontiff) guy who only leaves reigns of Vatican when the Angel of Death pays a visit at his bedside. That guy can only go to grave from Vatican; his title has no place in this world.  He can only be retired by death. Not even the wieldy UN can hire him for war negotiations like they incessantly do with Koffi Annan. Deployment of a pope is not something even wealthy FIFA can do as in the case of Signor Luis Moreno Ocampo. It doesn’t matter if America (both south and North) file trillion cases of unholy abuse by his saintly priests: He is Pope for life. Late last month some of his cardinals and a valet, with a saintly first name (Paolo) and angelic second name (Gabriele), conspired against   Mr.Ratzinger whose home country is Fuhrer’s land. 

Napoleon Bonaparte (General Petit)

By sheer irony, this laity Paolo Gabriele, performed acts that are neither saintly nor angelic, as a result of unlimited access to the Vicar of Christ and his accessories, which he ended up vouchsafing to power gambling cardinals of ‘Iscariot’. If I were the pontiff, who didn’t like the German name so much so that settled for the sixteenth Benedict, I would not invite them to the Lord’s Banquet and share Holy Communion. Talking of sixteenth titles, one French king shortly before the era of general petit settled for being the sixteenth Luis. Life did not treat him well either. His riotous followers invented guillotine for the sole purpose of beheading him and his family. Having learnt that lesson I won’t settle for anything sixteen. 

We should start donating African names to Vatican because the only East African king who settled for a second title was Kabaka Mutesa II. Henry Morton Stanley the English navigator had to pay him homage. There will never be Ojwang the sixteenth or Kamau the twelfth as a title name. Did I mention Africa? Why can’t the Vatican settle for the Nigerian Cardinal as the Papa now that European names come with generous integers as suffixes? We just consign to Vatican some pious looking Nigerian witchdoctor to produce black smoke followed by green then finally white, and that’s it. Our juju can take less than one hour to produce all those shades of smoke to save Catholics the trepidation that came with Ratzinger’s election and coronation. If someone is the Vicar of Christ he is more than a king but is he happy? Not with Paolo Gabriele wikileaking documents and the countless legal suits on child abuse.

Paolo Gabriele Sitting in front of Pope Benedict XVI

I was on the concept of Kings, happiness and Immortality before digressing to Vatican smoke colours. My third eye reminds me that I have not exhausted smoke (smoking issue) where irreligious kings are concerned. Now I want to limit it to Africa. The Libyan Desert revolutionary turned king of kings had ‘unroyal’ smoking habit. According to my Science teacher, Mr. Saoke Bunde, the stuff this particular supreme king was smoking is called Cannabis Sativa, not Marijuana. My people from the lake call it Obwa Sativa (elephant dung). I had seen images of Muammar exhaling cascades of smoke in his nomadic desert tent. Living in mobile tents is one habit His Royal Highness never broke. Anyway, old habits die hard. In our Kenyan parlance we may say he did not ‘know people’: where people in this context are Nato and the desert rats (Libyan citizens). Philosophically speaking, Qaddafy failed to consider ‘knowing thyself’ but assumed to the lofty title reserved for one Immortal (God) known as King of Kings. The people he condescended knowing smoked him out of his desert hole (tunnel) and brutally dispatched him to the next world.

Col. Qaddafi Smoking

The desert heat is unforgiving and utterly intolerable. My friends who boast some acquaintance with desert water cycle tell me that oases are few and far between to the extent that camels die of dehydration as a result of water scarcity and high rate of perspiration. To imagine that a fellow in Tunisia, Mohamed Bouazizi, would set himself on fire as a form of protest against Ben Ali regime beats all logic. Even people who employ bizarre acts of protests respect preservation of self. Our good friend Okoiti Omatata may buy all the chains (dog chains included) from all the branches of Nakumatt Supermarket, but the furthest he has ever gone is a metallic mast next to vigilant House, without finding recourse to the use of fire. Who imagined that such bizarre acts, could exile Ben Ali to Saudi Arabia? The hawk eyed Ben Ali of all the people! He too failed to ‘know people’ but especially “know thy mortal self”. Another dethroned king fleeing from desert people to seek asylum in another desert country ruled by kings!

Still on matters desert and its unruly people, one 84 year Hosni Mubarak irks his people by the longevity of his rule which is in commensurate with longevity of his life. The only person a part from Supreme Deity whose longevity of tenure is unrivaled if Queen Elizabeth II. She has ruled the ‘democratic’ UK and commonwealth for 60 years, a period also known as Diamond Jubilee. It appears queens whether young or old prefer Diamond to Gold but this jubilee has nothing to do with jewellery -a part from the one on Her Majesty’s crown. She was born next to the throne and will die on it. I have learnt through technology that she will be in her luxury barge escorted by a flotilla of 1000 vessels down River Thames as thousands of spectators line up to watch. By the way, since my grandfather was born I have never heard that someone known to someone known to me ever cast a vote for Her Majesty as the head of Commonwealth. I will vie for that seat once declared vacant. I am not wishing death on the queen but being the leader of people who purport to export Democracy and Good Governance to other counties, there has to be periodic Commonwealth General Election to oversee activities of CHOG. In m wildest dreams I won’t mind chairing CHOGM Queen Elizabeth II, who must have consulted Mutesa II on titles, ‘knows people’ and that’s why another species of Guillotine has not been invented for her neck. My educated guess suggests she ‘knows thyself’ too. 

 

Hosni Mubarak on Trial

I am a man with erratic thoughts. How did I jump from King Mubarak to Queen Elizabeth II? Anyway, she had once occupied Mubarak’s territory before Gamal Abdel Nasser comprehensively defeated Her Majesty’s army the way KDF plans to do with Alshabaab. In a land anciently ruled by pharaohs who subjugated their current neighbours (Israelites) for so long, longevity of kingly tenure which is not hereditary is expected. It must be that thirty years of iron fist rule when one wakes up each morning to stare at the monuments of slavery (pyramids) is not tenable anywhere on the globe. A people whose ancestors witnessed a whole army swallowed in a parted sea after ten devastating plagues know that mutiny against godhead down here is suicidal. In that square, the aging godhead ordered massacre of over 800 civilians but they were not cowed, leave alone intimidated. They asked that king to ‘know (respect) people’ with all kinds of weaponry at their disposal. The motley demonstrators unlike participants in UK riots had learnt firsthand lesson from K’Ogallo fans that flew stones in planes to stone Zamalek in 1987. And they put that lesson to good use last year leaving ‘no turn unstoned’. Astute K’Ogallo fans’ students of stone throwing pelted the army with Gor projectiles until the army declared armistice and joined the winning side. The English know how to evade defeat better. How else could they coin such convenient statements like if you can’t beat them join them? They not only ousted but also locked hoary King Mubarak and two seeds from his loins behind bars before demanding death penalty. Who wants to sentence 84 year old mortal to death? Give him life sentence and wash your hands like Pilate. He did not ‘know people’ neither did he ‘know thyself’.
 

President Charles Taylor surrendering in Nigeria

I may wear my fingers writing about the kings of desert part of North Africa before I develop Manhattan fever crossing over to the lands of short and long sleeve geniuses, Liberia and Sierra Leone. The land of Samuel Doe and Charles Taylor has just too much in her history to be modest about. It is also the same part of Africa where you come across diamond at mere attempt of sifting river mud with a wire-netted sieve. The same diamond is the subject of a protracted civil war and equally protracted legal battle at Dan Haag. When the economist (Charles Taylor) who knows true value of Diamond exchanged it with rebels who know true value of arms it became blood diamond.

 Rebels are organized reprobate hoodlums experienced in and carry out various acts of body mutilations on civilians even if they do not want a forceful regime change. For those who claim FGM is body mutilation, I advise you to visit Sierra Leone and appreciated the true meaning of the term body mutilation. He never killed anyone but his genius in mixing diamond trade with international arms race did physically and psychologically harm the ordinary wananchi of Sierra Leone. His trade almost converted a half of citizens in a neighbouring country into ‘Paralympics’. People who were never born with disabilities have become amputees at the wrist or elbow, ankle or knee –hence the contraction ‘short sleeve’ and ‘long sleeve’ amputation. For each stroke of a brute physician, Taylor got a dime or diamond.

 On 30^th May, Watching him address the court before sentencing, that ‘the Rome Statues do not take into account traditions, culture, customs, physical location, and such sensitivities unique to various nations in Africa’ made the court insensitive to issues like Taylors advance age, adverse health, united family et cetera; because he (Taylor) did not know that limbs too are sensitive to pain and crucial rate of change of location, waking or mobility. There was jubilee, not Diamond jubilee but rather anti-diamond jubilee, when he received a fifty year sentence to be served in UK penitentiary facility. He will be welcome there knowing that his name is English even if read in reverse order. I hold that UK is the most convenient place for Taylor to serve his sentence, for once in a while, that sassy chick Naomi Campbell, will return the kind gesture of blood diamond once bestowed upon her as a gift by warlord Taylor, and take a catwalk to dingy jail cells to say hello to a dethroned king. At least, King Taylor ‘knew people’; but only beautiful people, yet not beautiful enough to mitigate a fifty years’ sentence. I am sure his president Sirleaf Johnson, another Liberian with a leafy English name will be gone when Taylor leaves prison. 

President Laurent Gbagbo Captured in a bunker

In confidence and out of records, I will whisper that in my dreams I envy Ouattara for his good connections. Unlike Laurent Gbagbo he ‘knows right people’ who can smoke your political rivals out of an underground palatial bunker and convey them to Dan Haag. Reeling from Taylor’s protracted episodic trial Gbagbo must be seeking to know people who can secure acquittal or wad off life sentences to be served in English speaking countries. They could have decided to send him to Bastilles (had it not been demolished) not far from Nostradamus grave, to get a pinch of futuristic prophesies. He should also know that the tramp who exhumed Nostradamus skull died before drinking prophetic wine from it. For starters, Nostradamus is the sage who prophesied French revolution two hundred years before it happened and added that whoever would dig up his skull and drink wine from it will have prophetic powers; sorry the tramp was hit by a bullet just as he poured wine into the skull. But I am a patient man, so I will just cross my fingers and correct this article once Gbagbo has been sentenced. That will determine if he got to know relevant people as recluse at The Hague. Is Gbagbo really happy?

Nobody will object when I say that humid climate of west Africa comes with unruliness and all manner of absurdities for all I know. It is also going down in the Guinness Book of records as the only part of the world where military coups happen on a weekly routine, at least among the French speaking sections of it. It only happened once in Honduras. May be they assimilated the spirit of French revolution but the humid climate will not let them invent anything close to a guillotine machine. One is a king in the morning and before sunset he is either a prisoner or a fugitive. If we were ruled by French in Kenya we would have had at least sixteen successful coups. You don’t need to remind me that my neighbour Uganda, West African football giants Nigeria, and Ghana have had generous amounts of successful coups without the influence of assimilated or induced French volatility. 

 Captain Sanogo of Mali

Take a diplomatic trip to Mali and you will be holed up in hotel suits even if you are the Minister for Foreign Affairs in Kenya. Little known Captain Amadou Sanogo will be president for stint while you plan to escape through the shortest route to JKIA. If you stay long enough to be attacked by humid Tuareg madness and venture into Equatorial Guinea, Nguema and his people will be experiencing a coup. That will be advice enough to avoid Guinea Bissau like a plague. Mali should be a coup case study for students of history. The president is overthrown by an army which is either too timid or ill-equipped to fight starving Tuareg desert rebels and are all the more cowardly to restrain an effeminate public from beating interim president Traore senseless, before he ends up in a French ICU. While you pause to drink scarce oasis murk, ECOWAS imposes trade embargo and Mali ordinary wananchi would be appealing to Kenya 4 Kenya for famine relief food. Who do we help, Malians or Turkanas? I would go for Malians since Turkana has ‘struck’ oil and will soon refund my money. As if those problems do not suffice to absolutely fail a failing state, the Northern rebels declare a part of the country they occupy independent. In Mali’s case the ousted president Toure, the battered interim president Traore and the leader of the coup Captain Amadou Sanogo, experience too much humidity to ‘know people’ or ‘just know thyself’.

Methinks penmanship is not a good pastime. When I want to stop writing my mind which obviously outpaces my sluggish fingers strays to Central Africa, the land of Jean-Bedel Bokassa and Mobuto Ssese Seko the Leopard (Kuku Ngbendu Wa Za Banga) which translates as ‘the cockerel that covers all the hens’ .Is Leopold a Belgian equivalent of African Leopard? I am going to stop here because you know the Leopard who was richer than his country and introduced Article Sixteen (directing citizens to steal a little) in the constitution. Did I just say Article sixteen? Surely, sixteen must be a bad number. The Article destroyed all that was Zaire. If your president told you to pilfer just a little in a presidential decree and made it legal, would you not imagine how much the Big Man has stolen? Would you not steal literally everything little, including water taps and pipes? DRC is one country that been baptized twice after independence, at least where name is concerned, if you choose to ignore such western infatuations like Leopold’s Congo. From Congo to Zaire occasioned by Authenticite and back to DRC under Laurent Kabilla. The name change did not spare individuals, how did people end up with terse African names like Lwuambo Luanzo Makiadi, and Kanda Bongo? How did Joseph Desire Mobutu become Mobutu Ssese Seko –Kuku Ngbendu Wa za Banga?

President Mobutu Ssese Seko –Kuku Ngbendu Wa za Banga

DRC is also the only country God blessed with every precious mineral imaginable; gold, diamond (with little blood), copper, Aluminum, Iron, and Uranium. They used Congo’s Uranium to develop the atomic bomb which scorched Hiroshima and Nagasaki when there is a stalled nuclear plant in DRC. A country blessed with the widest and most navigable river in Africa and where if you deign to pick pebbles by the riverside they turn out to be either diamond or gold, is taken down by the sixteenth article of the constitution, that is, if you don’t consider good leadership largely characterized by kleptocracy and megalomania. The Leopard, who fashioned himself as the cockerel that covers all the hens (sexually), and at the same time president for life, did not ‘know people’. Rwandese and Uganda forces, forced not averse to violence overthrew the Leopard. He fled and died in Morocco.

Having mentioned Morocco I must observe that it is being rule by a king, a good king who knows his people. Perhaps, that’s why the Arab Spring did not spring on him. He has a counter part down south called Mswati II, a man whose people keep honouring with virgins each passing year.  

Back to where I started and in accordance to Solons argument. Kings and men may only be judged as happy on the day of their death but for my money, kings do cry a lot.

‘Know people’ is not equivalent to ‘Know Thyself’ philosophically. It is purely a Kenyan import adopted after the suspended Deputy Chief Justice Nancy Baraza declined to go through security check and asked a female security guard to ‘know people’ which only means respect people in authority.

I have not given any Kenyan leader even a footnote mention. My reasons are very clear: this being an electioneering year and Kenyan being a Kenya, I do not intend to be misconstrued. Some Kenyan leaders are facing ICC trial and I should be the last person to say anything in that regard.